“The HELLERTOWN, PA edition, of THE LOST CAVES condition, as we would say, “spelunking is dangerous verily,” and we all do agree, there is something wrong with that CAVE that I was in the other day:

It is quite clearly,

Like in front of this CAVE

Which is called like LOST RIVER CAVE

Somewhere,

And they advertise on a billboard

Probably on I-78 and elsewhere

“Come see the CAVE!

Ok, saw I save a CAVE

And I was disturbed

Ok, anyway,

So they call it a karst limestone formation

Which means water dissolved parts of it away

So there are caves in the middle of nowhere

Underground a few feet

Not in a mountain

And not really hilly in the area,

With a golf course across the road

And the town as well,

Which is a run of the mill kind of PA town,

And otherwise someone would have to tell you a CAVE was here

Unless you found it yourself

But anyway again,

They have an entrance fee

And a big stupid rock store

With like rock picks and other junk

You have to know already

“Is DO NOT TOUCH

“Dangerous very much

“For reasons we comprehend,

So this cave is found in the back of the store

Down a ramp I think it was

Like a few feet

But still in the back of a store

With a big white door

Which is closed

Would reveal no hint of CAVE SYSTEM behind it,

With like a “LOST RIVER”

Which is not a RIVER but like a POOL

That flows out somewhere they say

That they don’t know today

Because some dye experiment failed to do

Revealing where it flows to

So they don’t really make sense to me from the start,

First this is a BILLBOARD BUSINESS

So they can go straight to hell

And you know what that means,

And two,

This CAVE should be recovered from this RENEGADE BUSINESS

That has made like retarded desecrations on it

Apparently repeatedly

And they say they have weddings down there

What?

With a “BAND”

And a platform or whatever

Had been made for the band

And there is masonry here and there

And a metal handrail

And like some weird shrine shit

And on the flowstones we’ll call

Like, someone in the tour group like

Touched one of them

And the tour guide is all like

“Don’t you do that disturb nature here

Like, what?

You stupid fucking retards build a wedding chamber

With handrails

And pipes and shit

And metal handrails drilled into the ground

And we’re a little disturbed actually

That kind of weird shit is a bad profile

The store itself is creep central to the nth degree

With a HIDDEN CAVE BURROW BELOW

Yea, for real,

I heard it down there

Big old golf course across the way

And this water source basically

Yea, they need to be shut down for good basically,

And then last note,

A LEHIGH UNIVERSITY FRATERNITY

Is allegedly to have done hazing rituals here

Involving LATIN GRAMMAR and some task of UTTERANCE OF AN ALPHABET BACKWARDS

In the FLUORESCENT MINERAL ROOM

So we’re like yea,

What the hell is that about?

Are these the creeps LEHIGH GEOLOGY?

Yea, one might surmise,

GEOLOGY has a very poor disguise

They go straight down

Miles sometimes for real

They don’t pass the smell test here…